An unspeakable Eldritch horror from the depths of aeons and untouched by mortal creatures funneled her disapproval over Melania Trump’s snakeskin stilettos into an article for Vogue magazine.
A bone-chilling digital howl rippled across the Internet as the powder-faced Gargantua calling itself Lynn Yaeger lurched over to the keyboard to unleash hellfire on the First Lady.
“Oh, Melania,” Lynn Yaeger curdled. “In the words of the late, great Lou Reed, you ‘couldn’t hit it sideways,’” after accusing the White House of failing to “understand optics.”
The brute in a red wig-like cap, black lipstick, and frayed, tattered rags seized on footage of the graceful First Lady as she boarded Air Force One for a visit to flood-ravaged Texas.
“This morning, Mrs. Trump boarded Air Force One wearing a pair of towering pointy-toed snakeskin heels better suited to a shopping afternoon on Madison Avenue or a girls’ luncheon at La Grenouille,” Lynn Yaeger–who hails from a beneath-the-floorboards, cannibalistic tribe of journalists known as Contributing Fashion Editors at Vogue– howled.
In her article Lynn Yaeger remained untethered when told by a spokesperson that Lady Melania had a change of shoes awaiting her on the plane. When Mrs. Trump did de-plane in Texas she was photographed wearing sensible sneakers.
“But what kind of message does a fly-in visit from a First Lady in sky-high stilettos send to those suffering the enormous hardship, the devastation of this natural disaster?” the beast grumbled, leaving many to suspect had she not been turned down at the high school prom by the hideous fish-God Dagon her career might have turned out different.
According to Internet lore, the immortal spent 20 years writing for the now-collapsing weekly The Village Voice before joining Vogue. She is suspected to have the ability to cast spells over other cretins who stalk the pages of fashion magazines, as evidenced in a 2016 New York Times Style Section profile titled “Lynn Yaeger: Fashion Muse.”
“Sing, muse, of crinolines piled in layers, of blunt-cut bobs and Cupid’s bow lips?” the paper wrote to the tune of Pan’s flute.
“Inspirations come in many forms during the fashion collections. It has been a surprise, though not an unwelcome one, to find that this season, an unexpected one joins their ranks: the fabulously eccentric fashion writer Lynn Yaeger.”
Featured image via Vogue.com